Her Wallflower
by liferuiner
Summary: I know it's been a long time since I wrote you last and I'm sorry


October 24, 1993

Dear friend,

I know it's been a long time since I wrote you last and I'm sorry. I'm trying my best to "participate" now, but sometimes it feels like it's all going well and then sometimes it feels like it's all going downhill. I haven't made any new friends at school. People talk to me and are less afraid of me or less uncomfortable around me, but there's no one that I've gotten close to. I'm a bit disappointed yet content with that. I talk to Bill a lot though, since I don't really see Sam and Patrick anymore. He helps me through a lot and I've come to the realization that he's better than any psychiatrist. I like talking to him.

I really miss everyone. Patrick, Bob, Mary Elizabeth, Sam. I see Patrick, Bob, and Mary Elizabeth every now and then, and I'm always really happy to see them. I hung out with Patrick just the other week. He seems to be enjoying his freedom and just moving through life at his own pace. It may be a little impossible to believe, but it's almost as though he laughs more than he ever did before. He and Brad are even on good terms again! Out of everyone, I think I miss Sam the most. I don't know whether that is a bad thing or not, but it doesn't seem like one. We write letters to each other often and talk on the phone every other day. We kept our promise. If things were getting too much for her at college, she'd call me, and if things got too much for me here then I'd call her. Talking to her just doesn't feel like enough sometimes. It's strange like that. I miss her so much.

I'm still in love with Sam. I don't think I ever stopped loving her. Not even for a second.

That's how I've been feeling for quite a while. I even told Bill about it. He doesn't think I'll stop loving her either.

Something wonderful happened yesterday. Really wonderful. It makes everything I've been feeling okay. I was walking home from school and the weather was nice even if it was a little chilly. I was thinking about the band The Smiths and about the time I rode in the back of Sam's truck as we drove through the tunnel and about the time when we were all infinite. When I reached my house, there was a truck. It was Sam's truck. It was parked just across the street. Sam was leaning against it, playing with the zipper of her jacket. She was very beautiful. She's always very beautiful.

"Sam?"

She looked at me and waved. "Hi, Charlie." Her smile was very pretty.

I went to her and we hugged. There is no hug quite like Sam's hug. She's warm and her arms are slender but strong. And she smells like sunlight. I know that's an odd thing to say, but that's what she smells like. Like sunlight. When we released each other I asked her what she was doing here and she told me that she had some time off from school so she decided to come back home for a little while. The wind was picking up so I invited her inside. Mom was off somewhere cleaning and my father wasn't home. We went to my room and I asked her if she wanted anything to drink, but she said she was fine.

She sat on the bed. "Your room is really boring, Charlie." She didn't say it mean. She said it like she was just restating something obvious.

"I know."

Sam looked at the typewriter she had given me. "Have you written anything about me yet?"

I nodded. She smiled, but didn't ask to see any my writings. I sat next to her and said that I was very happy that she came to see me.

"Of course I'd come to visit you, Charlie. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you have other people that you could see."

She put her arm around me like she always did. "You're actually the first person I came to see."

"Really?"

"Really."

With her arm still around me, she put her head on my shoulder and whispered, "I missed you. I missed you."

"I missed you, too. Very much."

We sat like that for a few moments and she took her arm from around my shoulder and instead let her hand intertwine with mine. It was really warm and so soft. That was when I said something that was more for my benefit than her own. "I'm participating now. I'm trying to be here."

She told me that she was really happy for me and that it was good that I was doing my best to be aware. There was silence again until she said, very softly, "Remember when I told you not to think of me that way, Charlie?" I nodded. "Well, I want you to think of me that way."

"I always think of you that way."

She laughed a very pretty laugh and said that that was good. Then, she kissed me and I kissed her back. And then her hands were in my hair and mine touched her cheeks, and she said my name, quietly, in between kisses. And then we were lying down, still kissing, and I touched her and she touched me and it was moments of pure bliss and joy. Sam was my best friend and I loved her so much. I really did. And then there were no clothes and we fit together like a puzzle.

We lay together against my pillows, catching our breaths, and Sam touched my face with the tips of her fingers and told me that the reason she had come back was to see me and tell me that she loved me and I told her that I loved her, too. We both loved each other very much. We both were in love with the other. It was the sweetest of moments. She said I was very special to her. She called me her Wallflower.

Sam had to go back to school today of course, but she stayed with me all night. We went to Big Boy and we drove through the tunnel and together we were infinite. I held her while we slept through the night and she held me and those moments were our own little secret, hidden away from my parents. We talk to each other even more now and we write letters every week. She says that every time she comes back home the first person she'll see is me.  
I'm still in love with Sam and I won't stop loving her, and I don't think that she'll ever stop loving me. My love is the type of love where I want to marry her.

I hope that you find someone that you truly love, someone that you can think of "that way". Because it is a really nice feeling, and I'll be here if you ever want to tell me all about it. I don't mind listening.

Love always,

Charlie


End file.
